The Skyliner

Issue date: 11/8/06 Section: Opinion

Evan J. Hampton

Physical Education wasn't my favorite subject in high school. I am no master of sports. Any sport with the word "ball" in the title I pretty much stunk at. Except maybe "dodge ball," because my strategy for that was to simply dodge into the locker room until the next class period.

On one rare occasion, I think I did play dodge ball so that I could take out my frustration, but then I got knocked in my chest and swore that a bone snapped and punctured my aorta. Like most "alpha males," I never could get into sports. I just don't understand the whole craze. Sports become like an idol and more important than anything else in life.

I know I'm probably considered a disgrace to my gender, but it's true. I'd rather dedicate more time to talking about peace in the Middle East than paint my face and chest in the spirited colors of my team. I had favorite teams growing up. This was just so I could have something to talk about with my older brother and my dad. I didn't chose my favorite team based on a player's statistics or the coach's winning streak with a team. No, my system was more ironclad. It was chosen based on my favorite color. I'm crazy to some people, but the people who think so are probably consuming themselves with their favorite teams.

Guys who eat, sleep and breathe sports are damaging their relationship with their girlfriends. If your girlfriend wants to go out, don't spend the night wrapped up in your fantasy leagues or watching the game on television. Put in a tape, hit record and check your fantasy standings after your date. Most guys put more passion into their teams than their relationships. You and your girlfriend should be your main team.
When anyone mentions college sports, people chant "Clemson" and "Gamecocks," bickering to each other for minutes on end.

Being a fan is a crazy dance. You can have a favorite team, sure, but that team better be the same one of the mass population or you're out numbered, my friend. And from there on out, it's been nice knowing you. That's why I take the high road and turn on TBS for re-runs of Friends, instead of turning on ESPN and trying to figure out the interpretive dance the referee does after every call. I just need to know "Touchdown" and "Field Goal." One simple motion for two different things.

There is always dedication and sometimes heartbreak. Sometimes the men in my family will blow a gasket, yelling at the television over a bad call, like the game is actually taking place in the living room. Or when their team blows the game, their entire night is ruined.

Sports also bring a lot of fun. I played some vicious church-league T-Ball as a kid, and now when I watch any sport in person it is a completely different thing. I love it. Does it mean that I have to dedicate my entire life to the full knowledge of every sport until my brain is at full capacity? No. Will my favorite players ever love me back and want to play one-on-one or around the world with me in the gym? No. So I don't see any point in wasting my time. Believe me, I'm a man. I still hit puberty at the normal age, began shaving before that to be mature and I have a girlfriend that I love. I'm all-natural, 100 percent male. Just because I misunderstand the game doesn't mean I misunderstand who I am or who I'm "supposed to be."

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